A dreary recap . . .

So it's December 30.  The year is all but gone.  Another one.  Great time to reflect on the past and prepare for blah, blah, blah.  You know all the cliches, let's just get to it.

2015, what can I say about you?  Well, as usual for my 6 year streak, you sucked.

I'm about the same weight today that I was in January.  I spent 2 days in the hospital because of a kidney stone and a stupid mistake.  The kidney stone is mostly still there.  I'm still broke, my house is a wreck, and I'm still oh so very single.

There were a few high points as well.  Family vacation was great.  Got in some fishing.  Quit the part time job, that's a good one.  Started walking a little.  Spent a good amount of time with my kids, my parents, and my brother.

Not my worst year.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful that we're all still here, that despite some setbacks, my health isn't really that much worse, and I have a job, a home, and opportunities to better myself.

I'd just hoped to accomplish more.  Not only more this year, but more at this stage in my life.  I feel my age.  I feel my options shrinking.  When you're in your mid 30's you still have many options, you're still considered young.  But by 40, you start to get locked in and change is difficult.  I feel the walls closing in. A 5 year plan now has much more weight to it than previously.  It's kind of depressing.

So what will 2016 hold?  It could be a big year.  Daughter's high school graduation and first year of college - that's big!  Possibly moving, that's big.  As for me, my health, my status, who knows?

I know if I stay on this path I might not see the end of 2016.  My sleep apnea is so bad that I rarely get more than 2 hours sleep in a row.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I can't afford the damn machine to fix it.  (If you can't tell, that's a source of frustration for me).  I'm tired of this lifestyle.  I want, no I need, to be respected again, to not be looked at like an invalid, to not have friends and family tell me how terrible I look.  To now have my parents call me every day because they are worried about me.  They're the senior citizens, but you'd think I was older.  

If I sound a bit angry, well I am.  Angry at myself for another entire year wasted!  For being in this same miserable condition.  For not being able to put down the cookie, the chips, the french fries.  For not being able to make my self exercise more than about once a week.  For going to bed at 7pm and being awake at 2am, unable to sleep because I constantly wake up gasping for air.  For being in such bad shape that putting on socks is an exercise in pain management so I often just don't wear them.  For having to heave myself up out of a chair and dreading it because of how much it hurts.  For the fear that I'm going to fall because there's so much weight on my legs and my hip hurts from the pressure and I'm afraid it will just give out or that my knees will hyper extend under my weight and just break.

Yep, I'm angry.  I'm also afraid.  Afraid of being unable to take care of myself.  Afraid of being in a wheelchair.  Afraid of having to live with my parents because I'm not able to support myself.  Afraid of being a burden.  Afraid of living the rest of my life alone.  Really been feeling that one lately.  I signed up for an online dating website a long time ago and periodically out of morbid curiosity I check in.  It's so depressing to get a message from someone that seems great, but I can't respond because I know they won't be interested in me now.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

You'd think all this would be enough motivation to get up, get going, and fix myself.  Yet I fail again and again and again.  Life just keeps slipping by, day by day, and I just sit and watch on the sidelines.  I'm so tired.  I'm so frustrated.  I'm actually bored with my own excuses.  I'm a bad example for my kid, which my ex has started pointing out.  As if I need more guilt.  I know diet and exercise and things will get better.  Exercise seems like torture right now and I seem to live for my next meal, so diet is very hard.

Despite all this, I feel deep in my heart that someday I'll get there.  Someday I'll be with someone new, I'll run again, I'll play tennis, kayak, do all the things I love.  But I can't help but wonder how many folks die of a heart attack while thinking those thoughts...

It itches so you know it's healing . . .

Well, it's December 17th.  Christmas is just over a week away.  So far I've bought one present.  I put a wreath on the door and my son put up a small Christmas tree.  I think my "theme" this year is the Charlie Brown Christmas.  Money is tight, especially with leaving the part time job, so there isn't much room for extras, especially in terms of decor.  I've tried to boost my "Christmas Spirit" by inviting my kids to join me for activities, like going to see light displays, etc.  That's been a bust.  They've just reached the age where they're no longer interested and have their own ideas about what constitutes fun.  On the plus side, they're great kids and fully understand that I won't be buying tons of gifts this year.

I've been getting in more exercise lately.  My brother has had me meeting him and his family each Saturday, 3 in a row, to walk around the Flea Market.  It usually lasts about 2 hours or more and has been rough. It is accompanied by several days of sore back and legs, but I haven't given up and I think it's making a difference.

I continue to be grateful for days without kidney stone pain and for being able to walk at all.  I need to make this exercise thing happen more than once per week now.  Of course the schedule is a little crazy right now with Christmas next week and all, but I'll do what I can.

It's been a fun week with the office Christmas party and then the Star Wars premier.  Looking forward to finishing my shopping this coming weekend.

I've been feeling a little different lately.  I don't know if its the realization that my kids are starting to live their own lives and no longer rely on me for entertainment or company or camaraderie or whatever.  I've been feeling particularly lonely.  In a way I think this is a good thing and is a sign I'm really ready to move forward.  On the other side, I feel like I'm soooo far away from being in a position to start dating.  Maybe its an extra boost to keep me moving in the right direction, but for now I've been spending more time with friends and family to keep the feelings in check.

The more I think about it, the more I think it's like how an injury will itch.  I remember my Mom telling me that the itch means it's healing.  Maybe this loneliness is like that itch.  It's annoying and unpleasant, but is a sign of better things in the future, of emotional healing and therefore an increased desire to rejoin a society that I've hidden from for several years.  I'd like to think there is a positive meaning behind it, so I'm going to choose to stick with that theory.

Enjoying the moment . . .

So I'm still dealing with some of the "shrapnel" from my lithotripsy.  Woke up at 4 am the other morning in terrible pain, to the point of vomiting.  The pain lasted most of the day.  I went on to work because I had several things that had to be done, and frankly I can writhe in pain at the office as well as at home.  At least at the office I can struggle to focus on work and sort of block some of the pain out for a little while.  I called my urologist, twice, to no affect.  I'm not real happy with them right now.  See, I went Monday and was poked and prodded while they took x-rays and ultrasounds of my kidneys so I can go back on Friday and meet with the doc to review them and see what the status is since the lithotripsy.  So while I'm in agony, my thoughts are that they could review said records a day or so early and tell me what I'm facing.  Will this new stone pass?  Is it too big?  Will I have to have more surgery?  Twice I'm told the nurse will look at the x-rays and ultrasound and call me and I get no call.  Luckily toward the end of the workday the pain eases and just before I leave for home I go to the restroom and pass 3 small stones.  Talk about feeling relieved.  I went home and crashed. Took some meds and slept most of the night.

So I'm laying at home last night, having talked to several family members who've been sick with colds, etc.  Normal for this time of year I guess.  I take a deep breath and just enjoy for a moment the fact that I can breath normally.  I stretch out and enjoy that for the moment I'm not in any real pain.  I know that I rarely take a moment and just realize that I'm ok.  Take that moment a step farther and become thankful that I'm ok.  I don't think we are very mindful of ourselves and our situations until there is some issue, some problem, that asserts itself into our consciousness and demands our attention.  Having experienced pain so intense that I could barely function perhaps has caused a certain mindfulness for me.  I am aware of my condition and grateful for it.  I still have issues for sure, my weight, my hip, but for the moment I feel good and I thank God for that.

In other news I had a great Thanksgiving.  For the first time in many years I didn't work or have to prepare for a long workday on "Black Friday" and could just hang out with my family and enjoy the day.  I am certainly enjoying not working the part time job, although I haven't done any thing productive with my extra time yet.  I'm still concerned about my budget, but I'll get through.  

I'm still taking baby steps on the path of healing, but I'm feeling optimistic right now, and honestly, that in itself is an improvement for me.

Improving . . . or not

I'd like to think I'm on the road to recovery, although some times I worry.

I thought - again - that I was done with the kidney stone pain.  I was wrong.  This past weekend was lousy.  Saturday afternoon the old familiar ache started up, leaving me laying around most of the day and through Sunday, then Sunday night the stones passed.  Needless to say I had very little sleep Sunday night which led to missing work on Monday and feeling miserable all day.  Every stone I pray is the last, but they just keep coming.  I should call them the Rolling Stones - every time you think their history, here comes another tour!

Add to this the completely drained and lethargic feeling I've been stuck in, the terrible hip and knee pain that has increased to the point that standing up from sitting is excruciating and stairs are a special kind of torture, and I'm a mess.

All that being said, I still think I'm improving.  At least the stones are passing.  As I write this I'm at work and I feel fairly good.  I have a doctors appointment this afternoon, so we'll see how that goes.  I'm eating better since I've been out and home most evenings.  I went to the grocery store first thing on Saturday and stocked up, I'm excited about that.  The pain in my legs worries me.  I have this fear that I'm heading for a wheel chair.  I know the best remedy is weight loss.  That's a little worrying since my lack of success in that area is well known.

I am not ready to be this person that I am becoming.  I have so much I want to do.  I want to be an athlete again, play tennis, run, paintball, martial arts  I miss those things and hate the thought of giving them up permanently. But they seem so far away.

Changing gears, I went back to my part time job last night for the first time since before my surgery.  Things have certainly changed there, and not for the better.

When I was promoted to my first management position my old boss gave me 2 pieces of advice that I've always remembered and followed any time I find myself in a new position.

1) When you go in to a new position, especially when you're taking over supervision of a group of people, never walk in the door and start making changes.  Take the time to get to know your team, the environment, what is already working and what needs work. Listen to those already familiar with the job.  THEN fix what needs fixing.  If you come in guns blazing you will alienate the people that you need to support you and create enemies instead of friends.

2) Never bad mouth your predecessor.  Odds are they still have relationships in the job and you'll quickly build walls between yourself and your team that are very difficult to tear down later.

Well, now I've seen first hand what happens to someone who isn't aware of those 2 pieces of advice.

The old manager was promoted to a regional position.  I don't know if I've mentioned before my part time job, but I catch shoplifters for a big high end retailer.  This is a fun part time job and I've been doing it off and on for more than 23 years, including an 8 year stint as manager of the department for another high end, top 10 retailer. We use high tech camera equipment to monitor the store and then make stops as needed.  It can be a dangerous job and I've been in my share of fights over the years.  You have to trust the people you work with, not only to have your back in an altercation, but to make sound judgement calls. The team I work with all have some connection.  One of the guys is my best friend and we've know each other more than 25 years.  Three of us have worked together, including the manager that was just promoted, for more than 15 years.  The other folks we've all known for years as well.  We're a tight knit group and some of us have followed each other through several different companies.  In my opinion, there isn't a better team at what we do.

The level of experience and professionalism on this team is unusual.  You get a lot of wannabe cops, or "tough guys" who try their hand at this job.  The turnover rate is pretty high.  Our team is successful because most of us are professionals in other fields and have stuck around in this job because we enjoy it and enjoy working together, and of course the extra money helps.  There are several college degrees in various fields and overall we're a pretty intelligent group.  We have a retired parole officer, an ex-cop, which is pretty normal, but also a youth pastor, an office manager/accountant, and a graphic designer.  It's an eclectic group, but we have mutual respect and camaraderie that make it worth keeping the job, even though most of us can do fine without it.

So now one of us has moved on, our leader.  This is always a tricky situation with a tight team.  Inevitably one of the group will step up, capable and willing to take over the position, and many organizations are against promoting from within and insist on hiring from the outside, so the new manager already has to contend with at least one unhappy team member.  But this was just the start.

The company hired a manager who lacks in leadership and I'm not sure knows how to spell the word team.

She has done the opposite of my old advice in every way.

I started getting phone calls at home about all the craziness.  Soon I was hearing the same stories from 4 different sources, all venting about the terrible job she was doing and how everyone was threatening to walk.  Within the first week several complaints had been made to the district manager as well as the VP and most of the other staff members and store leadership had been in some type of altercation with her.

Now our old team is breaking up.  Two are transferring to other stores, one has an interview today and is likely leaving.  Another is going out for surgery next week and says he's not coming back, and I'm likely putting in my notice as well.  This means that this new manager is facing the holidays, the busiest, craziest time of the year with no team and trying to hire an entirely new team and train them at the worst possible time.  She's already made several comments about moving back home and giving up.

Truth is, I've been thinking about leaving for a while.  I'm tired of the long days and stress, but I didn't want to leave like this.  No one wins in this situation, not the manager, not the employees, and not the company.  It really is a shame.  In a way I feel bad for the newby.  I have half a heart to sit down with her and give her the advice that has served me well.  On the other hand, she brought this on herself and frankly deserves the grief she's created.  I think on some level all the bluster and mouthing off was in an effort to establish her authority, to show that she was tough and could handle the position, knowing she had big shoes to fill.  It was just the wrong attitude, and I hope that the lesson is learned, hard though it may be.

Just another example that change is the universal constant and sometimes things get better and sometimes they don't.  I think for me this is just another step toward fixing my life overall, and although it's bittersweet, I know I'll continue to carry these friendships with me.

Unintended Consequences. . .

I've learned that few things go as planned in this life, some for the best, some for the worst.  All we can do is be as prepared as possible and roll with the punches as we accept what comes. Having a positive attitude is key and treating others with compassion and caring makes all the difference.  That is easier said than done sometimes, but absolutely true and worth the effort. Faith that God has a plan for us helps, even when we're scared.

So I finally had enough of the on again/off again pain in my side.  I went back to the doctor, this time explaining that I've been taking the meds they gave me last time for kidney infection and the pain was still coming back, it has to be something else. So, they sent me for a CT Scan.  I was afraid that would be the answer, I really can't afford a bunch of new doctor bills and lab bills.  Truth is though, I can't afford not to start fixing my health.  It's getting to the point of being debilitating.  So I went straight from the doc's office to the radiology office and had the CT scan.  They told me that I couldn't leave until the doc reviewed the scan.  That worried me. I hate when they won't tell me what's going on. A few minutes later I'm told that I have a big kidney stone and should go immediately to the ER where they will be expecting me.  Now I'm freaking out a little.  The Emergency Room?  As in hospital ER? Was I about to have emergency surgery?  When would I get to leave?  No one was answering any of these questions.

I nervously entered the ER, where I went through a metal detector / security checkpoint to get in the door.  This does little to make me feel safe.  I check in, am told to have a seat and they'll call me back.  Again, no answers, just more waiting.  Finally I'm called back, but just to feel out paperwork, then told again to have a seat.  Then called back again to "triage" where a nurse listens to why I'm there, enters a few things in the computer, and tells me to have a seat again.  Four and a half hours later.  Not kidding.  Four and a half hours later I'm called into a tiny side room to speak with the doctor on call.  He tells me I have a big kidney stone, too big to pass - which is good news, but very painful, which I already knew.  He says that it's not causing a blockage and my kidney looks fine so go home and get an appointment with a urologist.  I was in front of him for less that 5 minutes.  Can't wait to see the bill for that.

Anyway, to move the story along, phone calls are made, appointments are set, visits and consultations occur and a few days later I'm scheduled to have this giant pain causing rock excavated from my body.  Of course being me, its in a weird place so the surgeon won't know which method he will use to get rid of the stone until I'm on the operating table and xray is in place.  This is supposed to be an outpatient procedure so I have to have someone there to bring me home afterwards, so my parents meet me at the hospital bright and early on Monday morning.  So I'm on the operating table, xray in place, breathing oxygen, no idea if they'll be using Lithotripsy (sonic hammer) or the more painful and invasive laser to burn the stone away, so once again I'm left in the dark. Quite literally as they are putting me to sleep.  I breath in and start to feel woozy and . . .

I wake up hearing multiple people calling my name.  I see faces above me then . . .

I wake up again in the recovery area with an oxygen mask on.  Coughing my head off.  I can't cough enough, feels like I have pneumonia.  After a long time someone finally comes around to explain what happened.  Good news - they were able to do Lithotripsy to bust up the stone.   Bad news - I somehow spit out the mouth guard that keeps one from biting down on the breathing tube that is installed while one is under anesthesia, so I bit down on the tube, crushing it and cutting off my air flow, then I began trying to suck in deep breaths in a panic which caused damage and fluid in my lungs.  Now my out patient visit becomes an extra day in the hospital for "observation" while they try to get the fluid out of my lungs and bring my oxygen level up.

I spent a miserable day, night, and most of the next day in the hospital, constantly wearing one type of oxygen mask or another, being poked and prodded and tested.  Oh did I mention that I wasn't allowed food or drink?  Yep, nothing.  I went for about 36 hours with not even water.  I was so ready to get out.  They promised to let me go all the next day, but kept postponing it.  Then decided I needed to stay because my oxygen level wasn't to their liking.  I finally managed to talk them into letting me go.

What happened next tested my faith in the medical community, in the universe itself.  I finally got to drink ice water and have meals again.  Even hospital food is good after a day and a half of nothing.  A couple of hours after I started drinking water, the pain in my side came back, full force.  I was crushed. I had convinced myself that I was through with that pain, that the magic sonic hammer would pulverize my kidney stone into dust and that aspect of my life was behind me, so I was devastated to have the pain come back and suddenly question if all I'd been through for the last several days was for nothing!  I don't know if the tears were because of the pain or the failure I felt.  Finally the surgeon stopped by to see me and explained that it would take some time for the pieces to pass and that I would still have pain until then.  I was very skeptical, but by Friday night they were leaving my body and took the pain with them.

I left the hospital that Tuesday, happy to be free despite the pain.  I hate hospital beds.  I was very weak and in pain so my parents were able to convince me to spend a few days at their house.

This brings me back to unintended consequences.  The damage to my lungs, for which I'm still recovering, was an unintended consequence - as is the weakness in my legs from laying around and barely moving for a week, but there were positive unintended consequences as well.

I let my guard down and allowed my parents to take care of things for those few days. Another time there was no way I would have been able to do that, pride an all, but I was just too tired and in pain to argue.  I'm glad I did.  Despite the pain I enjoyed the time I spent with them.  We had long conversations, watched TV, enjoyed my Mom's home cooking.  I think they enjoyed me being there and I saw how helping me made them happy.

Over the course of my infirmity I received numerous texts, phone calls, and a few visits.  I saw the friends that really care and the cynical side of me made note of those who didn't.  My family was right by my side, my brother and sister came to the hospital and visited at my parents.  Aunts and uncles I haven't seen in years called constantly.  I don't ever want to be a burden to anyone, but it was reassuring to know that there are so many people that care.  My boss was one of the people that texted me most.  She was great.  I've never worked for anyone that really seemed to care for my well being, beyond just the absence of my work. I'm thankful for all these folks.

So the ultimate unintended consequence from my ordeal is my further realization that I am cared for, and that how we treat others is important and defines our character.  It is further proof that discarding my cynical, angry demeanor in favor of a more positive outlook and a more compassionate attitude toward others will not only increase my standing with them, but will make me happier as a result.  My parents have lived a life of service, my father was a fire fighter, my mother a homemaker and a secretary.  They always put their kids and family first, they served their church and their community by extension, and they take their happiness as they go.  I admire that and will strive to emulate them more in my life.  I am very thankful for all of them and for the opportunity to better myself.  I'm working more on my health, thinking more about my faith, and overall looking to be a better man. Who'd have thought a kidney stone could cause all that?

Attitude

You know, I was a lucky child.  My parents are still together, living in the same house.  They were always there, always supportive. Still are. Maybe a little strict, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  I never had any major health issues as a child, no broken bones, no unusual disease; just the normal chicken pox, occasional cold, maybe a flu. My family was never the victim of any violent crime.  We never experienced any natural disasters.  We were lucky.  Don't get me wrong, we had our share of issues.  My Dad had back surgery, we were not wealthy at all, but we were rather lucky, looking back.  Maybe its due to my parents faith in God.  They go to Church every Sunday, they tithe, they watch religious shows.  I can't speak to one of them without some mention of Church or that they're praying for me or someone.  I wonder now if faith truly offers some level of protection from the darkness of this world.

I consider myself an unlucky person.  I have health issues, money issues, kid issues.  I had marriage issues, now I have no marriage.

Looking at this logically I realize that plenty of Christian people go through hard times and experience tragedy on a scale much greater than anything I've gone through.  Maybe there is an advantage to faith, however.  That advantage is in how you deal with adversity.  What face you show the world after going through a tragedy.  

I know I'm a cynic.  I know I'm a smartass.  I know I rant and rave over perceived slights or injustices to myself.  I'm a glass half empty person.  I expect the worst and point out loudly when I'm right.  I assume that others are as dark hearted as I feel and as a result find that I trust very few people anymore.  I don't like small talk and would rather sit quietly by myself in a waiting room than engage others.  I'm disappointed to have to share an elevator and listen to small talk.  I avoid eye contact to prevent others from engaging me in conversation.  I've become a loner.  I think this must be part of the multi step program to becoming a hermit, or the male equivalent of a crazy cat lady.

Why is this?  Was I always this way?  No, I wasn't.  I used to be a people person.  I enjoyed working with the public and meeting new people.  I couldn't have enough friends.  I truly liked helping others and got a sense of accomplishment from doing so.  I'd actually forgotten how that felt until thinking about it now. I remember being called the "nice" guy.  I won citizenship awards in grade school.  I won team player of the year award at a job once and employee of the year as well.  I was praised by supervisors and looked up to by co-workers.  I mock people like that now. My friends laugh at my smart comments and say that I'm mean.  I think my weight has a lot to do with this bad attitude.   I assume that everyone is making fun of my weight behind my back. I've actually overheard comments so I know that this is true to a certain extent.  I assume that people that are nice to me all want something.  Outside of my close friends, that is.  I still trust them, although I feel that the ring of close friends has shrunk over the last few years. 

I've been thinking a lot about this recently.  About how my own attitude is affecting my life.  How my perception of the world is coloring the truth and leading to unhappiness and depression.  How much of this is reality and how much is just in my head?

Health wise everything is cyclical.  My bad health leads to pain leads to no exercise.  Exercise, because of my bad health, leads to pain, leads to more bad health.  Is it the same with attitude?  Does my introverted, cynical attitude keep me from connecting with others, push me to see the worst in those around me and to suspect them of selfishness, which leads to fewer connections and to more loneliness, making me seem like the selfish, obnoxious one, which leads to others staying clear of me.

Makes sense.

I know this can be fixed.  I can be nicer, more outgoing. I can engage others.  The question is, do I want to?  I feel like I should.  I feel like it's the right thing to do.  I feel like happiness lies in that direction.  I believe that Christianity calls us to be examples to others, and I'm currently a terrible example.  But do I want to fix it?  I'm not sure right now.  Part of me does.  Part of me is still angry, distrustful, and wants to remain safely distant.  Safely distant.  That phrase is part of the issue.  I'm not sure distancing myself from life is safe.  It seems to lead down a dark path.  Maybe this realization is part of the healing process.  Maybe the spark of desire to come out of my emotional "cave" and set aside my judgmental tendencies in favor of companionship, of kindness, of faith, and maybe love, is a step forward, a step that it's time for me to take.  

3/4 through the year . . .

It's Autumn, Fall, whatever you want to name the season.  Three quarters of 2015 has passed.  Man, time flies.  I haven't posted since the beginning of the year.  This is due to a couple of reasons.

1) I honestly didn't think anyone would ever really see this but me.  I recognize that shouldn't detract from the cathartic nature of writing.  I appreciate the benefit of sorting through my thoughts and organizing them into words.  The truth is knowing someone else might see it, might benefit or connect or feel encouraged by knowing they aren't alone in their struggles is a boost for me.  It feeds my need to know my life makes a difference. This blog is still fairly new to me so I'm sure I'm making mistakes, but I have this fear that I sound ridiculous, or over dramatic, or something along those lines.  My confidence isn't at it's highest level now so in absence of feedback I fear the worst.

2) I've just been caught up in the business of living. For a rather monotonous life, it's fairly busy.

3) I'm severely disappointed in myself.  I've made virtually no headway this year and I'm not proud of that.  In fact I think my depression is worse.  I feel like I'm at the bottom of a mountain and the sides are made of slippery broken glass, so that any attempt to climb up results in sliding right back down and is very painful.  Writing about that seems . . . depressing.

All that being said, here I am.  Why?  Honestly I'm picking this back up because of a very short, simple email I received from a random person who stumbled on this blog while looking for something else.  Maybe they're the first person to read it?  Anyway, they took a moment to send a quick word of encouragement and that was greatly appreciated.  It was enough of a spark for me to post again and update my status...

I've already pointed out that I've made no real headway this year.  Maybe that's not entirely accurate.  I've lost about 3 pounds.  My hip is marginally better and I'm going to the doctor regularly.  I'm taking so many different pills that my nightstand looks like a pharmacists shelf. Pills for the hip, pills for the diabetes, pills for thyroid, on and on.  I hope this stuff is helping.  Frankly I'd be embarrassed for anyone to see this collection of bottles, it looks like the nightstand of a 95 year old hospital patient, certainly not a 42 year old.  Guess that fits though, with my hip, sore knees (those are new) and aching back, I look like a 95 year old shuffling around.

The year hasn't been all bad though.  I had a great beach vacation with my brother and his family.  I got to do a lot of pier fishing.  There is nothing like sitting on the pier at night with the ocean breeze blowing, a great band playing classic rock at the end of the pier, and hanging out with some of my favorite people.  Throw in catching some crazy aquatic life and you have a good time.  I caught a shark, a sting ray, lots of fish, and a sea turtle!  Yep, I said sea turtle.  He was huge!  Talk about a fight!  Of course when I got him to the surface and saw what I'd caught I took a picture and cut the line.  We had a huge crowd gathered around us each time I caught something cool.  Everyone wanted to see or take a picture.  It was fun.  I've always been good at fishing, and usually catch more than whomever I'm with, but to have all those people around, asking how I was catching them (I was catching a lot of fish, more than the folks around me) was really fun.  Felt like winning at something.  I liked it.  I used to play sports and enjoyed winning, but it's been a long time.

That was the highlight of my year so far and brings us to the end of September.

You ever get stuck in a rut so bad that you don't see the rut until someone unusual points it out?  I mean, I have friends that I talk to all the time, at work mainly.  I think they're part of the rut.  They give good advice but it becomes background noise I guess because I expect it and know what they'll say before they say it.  You know, like I should walk more, try this diet or that one, etc.  All well intentioned, caring people, but I guess you can tune them out when you see them everyday.  I say "I know" and keep doing what I'm doing.  Anyway, so I have pretty much decided to make some drastic changes to my life, probably starting around the beginning of next year if I can work it out.  I am going to move out of my house and into a much smaller apartment much closer to work.  I'm going to leave the part time job, I think.  I sit in front of a computer monitor for 15 hours a day at least 3 days a week when you include the part time job.  I live in a house much bigger than I need that requires expensive maintenance and upkeep and is a 40 minute drive from my primary job.  I can simplify my life, loose several points of stress, save money, and potentially benefit my health by making these changes.  It's a big step for me and I'm still thinking it through.  I'll have to institute a higher level of self discipline than I'm used to in order to realize the money savings, and well, we all know self discipline isn't my strong suit right now.  The unlikely source of this idea was my ex-wife.  We talk frequently, usually about the kids and what's coming up or going on with them, but rarely about our lives or our selves.  A few weeks ago she called and wanted to talk about me.  Maybe one of the kids said something to her about my health lately or something.  Anyway, she pointed out that I was killing myself by working the way I was and sitting all day long, eating fast food while driving between jobs, and stressing over the house that I didn't spend much time in or get to enjoy.  It all made sense and just kind of clicked with me.  Nothing earth shattering, no Einstein level discovery, just pointed out what I should have seen myself.  She's right.  I did the math and realized that I can benefit from simplifying my life.  One big thing is that I can kind of start over.  I realized that I've held so tight to the status quo since she and I divorced.  I've held on like it was the last remnant of my former life and I couldn't let go or life would be over.  But in reality I need a fresh start.  This lifestyle is literally killing me.

I still have some things to plan out, but I'm making some steps forward.  I'm seeing my life differently and thinking about the future and not just today. I'm excited about making some changes.  I'm excited at the thought of not working so much, of having my evenings and weekends free.  I daydream about what it would be like to be a normal sized man, to do things that most people take for granted, like go for a walk, or go up stairs without pain.  I think about the possibility of dating again, of companionship.  All that still seems far away, but maybe the mountain side will firm up a little.  Maybe that climb will get a little less painful.

If you're reading this, thanks for listening and by all means leave a comment and let me know you were here.  I appreciate any feedback.  I'll try and post again soon.