Attitude

You know, I was a lucky child.  My parents are still together, living in the same house.  They were always there, always supportive. Still are. Maybe a little strict, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  I never had any major health issues as a child, no broken bones, no unusual disease; just the normal chicken pox, occasional cold, maybe a flu. My family was never the victim of any violent crime.  We never experienced any natural disasters.  We were lucky.  Don't get me wrong, we had our share of issues.  My Dad had back surgery, we were not wealthy at all, but we were rather lucky, looking back.  Maybe its due to my parents faith in God.  They go to Church every Sunday, they tithe, they watch religious shows.  I can't speak to one of them without some mention of Church or that they're praying for me or someone.  I wonder now if faith truly offers some level of protection from the darkness of this world.

I consider myself an unlucky person.  I have health issues, money issues, kid issues.  I had marriage issues, now I have no marriage.

Looking at this logically I realize that plenty of Christian people go through hard times and experience tragedy on a scale much greater than anything I've gone through.  Maybe there is an advantage to faith, however.  That advantage is in how you deal with adversity.  What face you show the world after going through a tragedy.  

I know I'm a cynic.  I know I'm a smartass.  I know I rant and rave over perceived slights or injustices to myself.  I'm a glass half empty person.  I expect the worst and point out loudly when I'm right.  I assume that others are as dark hearted as I feel and as a result find that I trust very few people anymore.  I don't like small talk and would rather sit quietly by myself in a waiting room than engage others.  I'm disappointed to have to share an elevator and listen to small talk.  I avoid eye contact to prevent others from engaging me in conversation.  I've become a loner.  I think this must be part of the multi step program to becoming a hermit, or the male equivalent of a crazy cat lady.

Why is this?  Was I always this way?  No, I wasn't.  I used to be a people person.  I enjoyed working with the public and meeting new people.  I couldn't have enough friends.  I truly liked helping others and got a sense of accomplishment from doing so.  I'd actually forgotten how that felt until thinking about it now. I remember being called the "nice" guy.  I won citizenship awards in grade school.  I won team player of the year award at a job once and employee of the year as well.  I was praised by supervisors and looked up to by co-workers.  I mock people like that now. My friends laugh at my smart comments and say that I'm mean.  I think my weight has a lot to do with this bad attitude.   I assume that everyone is making fun of my weight behind my back. I've actually overheard comments so I know that this is true to a certain extent.  I assume that people that are nice to me all want something.  Outside of my close friends, that is.  I still trust them, although I feel that the ring of close friends has shrunk over the last few years. 

I've been thinking a lot about this recently.  About how my own attitude is affecting my life.  How my perception of the world is coloring the truth and leading to unhappiness and depression.  How much of this is reality and how much is just in my head?

Health wise everything is cyclical.  My bad health leads to pain leads to no exercise.  Exercise, because of my bad health, leads to pain, leads to more bad health.  Is it the same with attitude?  Does my introverted, cynical attitude keep me from connecting with others, push me to see the worst in those around me and to suspect them of selfishness, which leads to fewer connections and to more loneliness, making me seem like the selfish, obnoxious one, which leads to others staying clear of me.

Makes sense.

I know this can be fixed.  I can be nicer, more outgoing. I can engage others.  The question is, do I want to?  I feel like I should.  I feel like it's the right thing to do.  I feel like happiness lies in that direction.  I believe that Christianity calls us to be examples to others, and I'm currently a terrible example.  But do I want to fix it?  I'm not sure right now.  Part of me does.  Part of me is still angry, distrustful, and wants to remain safely distant.  Safely distant.  That phrase is part of the issue.  I'm not sure distancing myself from life is safe.  It seems to lead down a dark path.  Maybe this realization is part of the healing process.  Maybe the spark of desire to come out of my emotional "cave" and set aside my judgmental tendencies in favor of companionship, of kindness, of faith, and maybe love, is a step forward, a step that it's time for me to take.  

3/4 through the year . . .

It's Autumn, Fall, whatever you want to name the season.  Three quarters of 2015 has passed.  Man, time flies.  I haven't posted since the beginning of the year.  This is due to a couple of reasons.

1) I honestly didn't think anyone would ever really see this but me.  I recognize that shouldn't detract from the cathartic nature of writing.  I appreciate the benefit of sorting through my thoughts and organizing them into words.  The truth is knowing someone else might see it, might benefit or connect or feel encouraged by knowing they aren't alone in their struggles is a boost for me.  It feeds my need to know my life makes a difference. This blog is still fairly new to me so I'm sure I'm making mistakes, but I have this fear that I sound ridiculous, or over dramatic, or something along those lines.  My confidence isn't at it's highest level now so in absence of feedback I fear the worst.

2) I've just been caught up in the business of living. For a rather monotonous life, it's fairly busy.

3) I'm severely disappointed in myself.  I've made virtually no headway this year and I'm not proud of that.  In fact I think my depression is worse.  I feel like I'm at the bottom of a mountain and the sides are made of slippery broken glass, so that any attempt to climb up results in sliding right back down and is very painful.  Writing about that seems . . . depressing.

All that being said, here I am.  Why?  Honestly I'm picking this back up because of a very short, simple email I received from a random person who stumbled on this blog while looking for something else.  Maybe they're the first person to read it?  Anyway, they took a moment to send a quick word of encouragement and that was greatly appreciated.  It was enough of a spark for me to post again and update my status...

I've already pointed out that I've made no real headway this year.  Maybe that's not entirely accurate.  I've lost about 3 pounds.  My hip is marginally better and I'm going to the doctor regularly.  I'm taking so many different pills that my nightstand looks like a pharmacists shelf. Pills for the hip, pills for the diabetes, pills for thyroid, on and on.  I hope this stuff is helping.  Frankly I'd be embarrassed for anyone to see this collection of bottles, it looks like the nightstand of a 95 year old hospital patient, certainly not a 42 year old.  Guess that fits though, with my hip, sore knees (those are new) and aching back, I look like a 95 year old shuffling around.

The year hasn't been all bad though.  I had a great beach vacation with my brother and his family.  I got to do a lot of pier fishing.  There is nothing like sitting on the pier at night with the ocean breeze blowing, a great band playing classic rock at the end of the pier, and hanging out with some of my favorite people.  Throw in catching some crazy aquatic life and you have a good time.  I caught a shark, a sting ray, lots of fish, and a sea turtle!  Yep, I said sea turtle.  He was huge!  Talk about a fight!  Of course when I got him to the surface and saw what I'd caught I took a picture and cut the line.  We had a huge crowd gathered around us each time I caught something cool.  Everyone wanted to see or take a picture.  It was fun.  I've always been good at fishing, and usually catch more than whomever I'm with, but to have all those people around, asking how I was catching them (I was catching a lot of fish, more than the folks around me) was really fun.  Felt like winning at something.  I liked it.  I used to play sports and enjoyed winning, but it's been a long time.

That was the highlight of my year so far and brings us to the end of September.

You ever get stuck in a rut so bad that you don't see the rut until someone unusual points it out?  I mean, I have friends that I talk to all the time, at work mainly.  I think they're part of the rut.  They give good advice but it becomes background noise I guess because I expect it and know what they'll say before they say it.  You know, like I should walk more, try this diet or that one, etc.  All well intentioned, caring people, but I guess you can tune them out when you see them everyday.  I say "I know" and keep doing what I'm doing.  Anyway, so I have pretty much decided to make some drastic changes to my life, probably starting around the beginning of next year if I can work it out.  I am going to move out of my house and into a much smaller apartment much closer to work.  I'm going to leave the part time job, I think.  I sit in front of a computer monitor for 15 hours a day at least 3 days a week when you include the part time job.  I live in a house much bigger than I need that requires expensive maintenance and upkeep and is a 40 minute drive from my primary job.  I can simplify my life, loose several points of stress, save money, and potentially benefit my health by making these changes.  It's a big step for me and I'm still thinking it through.  I'll have to institute a higher level of self discipline than I'm used to in order to realize the money savings, and well, we all know self discipline isn't my strong suit right now.  The unlikely source of this idea was my ex-wife.  We talk frequently, usually about the kids and what's coming up or going on with them, but rarely about our lives or our selves.  A few weeks ago she called and wanted to talk about me.  Maybe one of the kids said something to her about my health lately or something.  Anyway, she pointed out that I was killing myself by working the way I was and sitting all day long, eating fast food while driving between jobs, and stressing over the house that I didn't spend much time in or get to enjoy.  It all made sense and just kind of clicked with me.  Nothing earth shattering, no Einstein level discovery, just pointed out what I should have seen myself.  She's right.  I did the math and realized that I can benefit from simplifying my life.  One big thing is that I can kind of start over.  I realized that I've held so tight to the status quo since she and I divorced.  I've held on like it was the last remnant of my former life and I couldn't let go or life would be over.  But in reality I need a fresh start.  This lifestyle is literally killing me.

I still have some things to plan out, but I'm making some steps forward.  I'm seeing my life differently and thinking about the future and not just today. I'm excited about making some changes.  I'm excited at the thought of not working so much, of having my evenings and weekends free.  I daydream about what it would be like to be a normal sized man, to do things that most people take for granted, like go for a walk, or go up stairs without pain.  I think about the possibility of dating again, of companionship.  All that still seems far away, but maybe the mountain side will firm up a little.  Maybe that climb will get a little less painful.

If you're reading this, thanks for listening and by all means leave a comment and let me know you were here.  I appreciate any feedback.  I'll try and post again soon.