Improving . . . or not

I'd like to think I'm on the road to recovery, although some times I worry.

I thought - again - that I was done with the kidney stone pain.  I was wrong.  This past weekend was lousy.  Saturday afternoon the old familiar ache started up, leaving me laying around most of the day and through Sunday, then Sunday night the stones passed.  Needless to say I had very little sleep Sunday night which led to missing work on Monday and feeling miserable all day.  Every stone I pray is the last, but they just keep coming.  I should call them the Rolling Stones - every time you think their history, here comes another tour!

Add to this the completely drained and lethargic feeling I've been stuck in, the terrible hip and knee pain that has increased to the point that standing up from sitting is excruciating and stairs are a special kind of torture, and I'm a mess.

All that being said, I still think I'm improving.  At least the stones are passing.  As I write this I'm at work and I feel fairly good.  I have a doctors appointment this afternoon, so we'll see how that goes.  I'm eating better since I've been out and home most evenings.  I went to the grocery store first thing on Saturday and stocked up, I'm excited about that.  The pain in my legs worries me.  I have this fear that I'm heading for a wheel chair.  I know the best remedy is weight loss.  That's a little worrying since my lack of success in that area is well known.

I am not ready to be this person that I am becoming.  I have so much I want to do.  I want to be an athlete again, play tennis, run, paintball, martial arts  I miss those things and hate the thought of giving them up permanently. But they seem so far away.

Changing gears, I went back to my part time job last night for the first time since before my surgery.  Things have certainly changed there, and not for the better.

When I was promoted to my first management position my old boss gave me 2 pieces of advice that I've always remembered and followed any time I find myself in a new position.

1) When you go in to a new position, especially when you're taking over supervision of a group of people, never walk in the door and start making changes.  Take the time to get to know your team, the environment, what is already working and what needs work. Listen to those already familiar with the job.  THEN fix what needs fixing.  If you come in guns blazing you will alienate the people that you need to support you and create enemies instead of friends.

2) Never bad mouth your predecessor.  Odds are they still have relationships in the job and you'll quickly build walls between yourself and your team that are very difficult to tear down later.

Well, now I've seen first hand what happens to someone who isn't aware of those 2 pieces of advice.

The old manager was promoted to a regional position.  I don't know if I've mentioned before my part time job, but I catch shoplifters for a big high end retailer.  This is a fun part time job and I've been doing it off and on for more than 23 years, including an 8 year stint as manager of the department for another high end, top 10 retailer. We use high tech camera equipment to monitor the store and then make stops as needed.  It can be a dangerous job and I've been in my share of fights over the years.  You have to trust the people you work with, not only to have your back in an altercation, but to make sound judgement calls. The team I work with all have some connection.  One of the guys is my best friend and we've know each other more than 25 years.  Three of us have worked together, including the manager that was just promoted, for more than 15 years.  The other folks we've all known for years as well.  We're a tight knit group and some of us have followed each other through several different companies.  In my opinion, there isn't a better team at what we do.

The level of experience and professionalism on this team is unusual.  You get a lot of wannabe cops, or "tough guys" who try their hand at this job.  The turnover rate is pretty high.  Our team is successful because most of us are professionals in other fields and have stuck around in this job because we enjoy it and enjoy working together, and of course the extra money helps.  There are several college degrees in various fields and overall we're a pretty intelligent group.  We have a retired parole officer, an ex-cop, which is pretty normal, but also a youth pastor, an office manager/accountant, and a graphic designer.  It's an eclectic group, but we have mutual respect and camaraderie that make it worth keeping the job, even though most of us can do fine without it.

So now one of us has moved on, our leader.  This is always a tricky situation with a tight team.  Inevitably one of the group will step up, capable and willing to take over the position, and many organizations are against promoting from within and insist on hiring from the outside, so the new manager already has to contend with at least one unhappy team member.  But this was just the start.

The company hired a manager who lacks in leadership and I'm not sure knows how to spell the word team.

She has done the opposite of my old advice in every way.

I started getting phone calls at home about all the craziness.  Soon I was hearing the same stories from 4 different sources, all venting about the terrible job she was doing and how everyone was threatening to walk.  Within the first week several complaints had been made to the district manager as well as the VP and most of the other staff members and store leadership had been in some type of altercation with her.

Now our old team is breaking up.  Two are transferring to other stores, one has an interview today and is likely leaving.  Another is going out for surgery next week and says he's not coming back, and I'm likely putting in my notice as well.  This means that this new manager is facing the holidays, the busiest, craziest time of the year with no team and trying to hire an entirely new team and train them at the worst possible time.  She's already made several comments about moving back home and giving up.

Truth is, I've been thinking about leaving for a while.  I'm tired of the long days and stress, but I didn't want to leave like this.  No one wins in this situation, not the manager, not the employees, and not the company.  It really is a shame.  In a way I feel bad for the newby.  I have half a heart to sit down with her and give her the advice that has served me well.  On the other hand, she brought this on herself and frankly deserves the grief she's created.  I think on some level all the bluster and mouthing off was in an effort to establish her authority, to show that she was tough and could handle the position, knowing she had big shoes to fill.  It was just the wrong attitude, and I hope that the lesson is learned, hard though it may be.

Just another example that change is the universal constant and sometimes things get better and sometimes they don't.  I think for me this is just another step toward fixing my life overall, and although it's bittersweet, I know I'll continue to carry these friendships with me.

Unintended Consequences. . .

I've learned that few things go as planned in this life, some for the best, some for the worst.  All we can do is be as prepared as possible and roll with the punches as we accept what comes. Having a positive attitude is key and treating others with compassion and caring makes all the difference.  That is easier said than done sometimes, but absolutely true and worth the effort. Faith that God has a plan for us helps, even when we're scared.

So I finally had enough of the on again/off again pain in my side.  I went back to the doctor, this time explaining that I've been taking the meds they gave me last time for kidney infection and the pain was still coming back, it has to be something else. So, they sent me for a CT Scan.  I was afraid that would be the answer, I really can't afford a bunch of new doctor bills and lab bills.  Truth is though, I can't afford not to start fixing my health.  It's getting to the point of being debilitating.  So I went straight from the doc's office to the radiology office and had the CT scan.  They told me that I couldn't leave until the doc reviewed the scan.  That worried me. I hate when they won't tell me what's going on. A few minutes later I'm told that I have a big kidney stone and should go immediately to the ER where they will be expecting me.  Now I'm freaking out a little.  The Emergency Room?  As in hospital ER? Was I about to have emergency surgery?  When would I get to leave?  No one was answering any of these questions.

I nervously entered the ER, where I went through a metal detector / security checkpoint to get in the door.  This does little to make me feel safe.  I check in, am told to have a seat and they'll call me back.  Again, no answers, just more waiting.  Finally I'm called back, but just to feel out paperwork, then told again to have a seat.  Then called back again to "triage" where a nurse listens to why I'm there, enters a few things in the computer, and tells me to have a seat again.  Four and a half hours later.  Not kidding.  Four and a half hours later I'm called into a tiny side room to speak with the doctor on call.  He tells me I have a big kidney stone, too big to pass - which is good news, but very painful, which I already knew.  He says that it's not causing a blockage and my kidney looks fine so go home and get an appointment with a urologist.  I was in front of him for less that 5 minutes.  Can't wait to see the bill for that.

Anyway, to move the story along, phone calls are made, appointments are set, visits and consultations occur and a few days later I'm scheduled to have this giant pain causing rock excavated from my body.  Of course being me, its in a weird place so the surgeon won't know which method he will use to get rid of the stone until I'm on the operating table and xray is in place.  This is supposed to be an outpatient procedure so I have to have someone there to bring me home afterwards, so my parents meet me at the hospital bright and early on Monday morning.  So I'm on the operating table, xray in place, breathing oxygen, no idea if they'll be using Lithotripsy (sonic hammer) or the more painful and invasive laser to burn the stone away, so once again I'm left in the dark. Quite literally as they are putting me to sleep.  I breath in and start to feel woozy and . . .

I wake up hearing multiple people calling my name.  I see faces above me then . . .

I wake up again in the recovery area with an oxygen mask on.  Coughing my head off.  I can't cough enough, feels like I have pneumonia.  After a long time someone finally comes around to explain what happened.  Good news - they were able to do Lithotripsy to bust up the stone.   Bad news - I somehow spit out the mouth guard that keeps one from biting down on the breathing tube that is installed while one is under anesthesia, so I bit down on the tube, crushing it and cutting off my air flow, then I began trying to suck in deep breaths in a panic which caused damage and fluid in my lungs.  Now my out patient visit becomes an extra day in the hospital for "observation" while they try to get the fluid out of my lungs and bring my oxygen level up.

I spent a miserable day, night, and most of the next day in the hospital, constantly wearing one type of oxygen mask or another, being poked and prodded and tested.  Oh did I mention that I wasn't allowed food or drink?  Yep, nothing.  I went for about 36 hours with not even water.  I was so ready to get out.  They promised to let me go all the next day, but kept postponing it.  Then decided I needed to stay because my oxygen level wasn't to their liking.  I finally managed to talk them into letting me go.

What happened next tested my faith in the medical community, in the universe itself.  I finally got to drink ice water and have meals again.  Even hospital food is good after a day and a half of nothing.  A couple of hours after I started drinking water, the pain in my side came back, full force.  I was crushed. I had convinced myself that I was through with that pain, that the magic sonic hammer would pulverize my kidney stone into dust and that aspect of my life was behind me, so I was devastated to have the pain come back and suddenly question if all I'd been through for the last several days was for nothing!  I don't know if the tears were because of the pain or the failure I felt.  Finally the surgeon stopped by to see me and explained that it would take some time for the pieces to pass and that I would still have pain until then.  I was very skeptical, but by Friday night they were leaving my body and took the pain with them.

I left the hospital that Tuesday, happy to be free despite the pain.  I hate hospital beds.  I was very weak and in pain so my parents were able to convince me to spend a few days at their house.

This brings me back to unintended consequences.  The damage to my lungs, for which I'm still recovering, was an unintended consequence - as is the weakness in my legs from laying around and barely moving for a week, but there were positive unintended consequences as well.

I let my guard down and allowed my parents to take care of things for those few days. Another time there was no way I would have been able to do that, pride an all, but I was just too tired and in pain to argue.  I'm glad I did.  Despite the pain I enjoyed the time I spent with them.  We had long conversations, watched TV, enjoyed my Mom's home cooking.  I think they enjoyed me being there and I saw how helping me made them happy.

Over the course of my infirmity I received numerous texts, phone calls, and a few visits.  I saw the friends that really care and the cynical side of me made note of those who didn't.  My family was right by my side, my brother and sister came to the hospital and visited at my parents.  Aunts and uncles I haven't seen in years called constantly.  I don't ever want to be a burden to anyone, but it was reassuring to know that there are so many people that care.  My boss was one of the people that texted me most.  She was great.  I've never worked for anyone that really seemed to care for my well being, beyond just the absence of my work. I'm thankful for all these folks.

So the ultimate unintended consequence from my ordeal is my further realization that I am cared for, and that how we treat others is important and defines our character.  It is further proof that discarding my cynical, angry demeanor in favor of a more positive outlook and a more compassionate attitude toward others will not only increase my standing with them, but will make me happier as a result.  My parents have lived a life of service, my father was a fire fighter, my mother a homemaker and a secretary.  They always put their kids and family first, they served their church and their community by extension, and they take their happiness as they go.  I admire that and will strive to emulate them more in my life.  I am very thankful for all of them and for the opportunity to better myself.  I'm working more on my health, thinking more about my faith, and overall looking to be a better man. Who'd have thought a kidney stone could cause all that?