A dreary recap . . .

So it's December 30.  The year is all but gone.  Another one.  Great time to reflect on the past and prepare for blah, blah, blah.  You know all the cliches, let's just get to it.

2015, what can I say about you?  Well, as usual for my 6 year streak, you sucked.

I'm about the same weight today that I was in January.  I spent 2 days in the hospital because of a kidney stone and a stupid mistake.  The kidney stone is mostly still there.  I'm still broke, my house is a wreck, and I'm still oh so very single.

There were a few high points as well.  Family vacation was great.  Got in some fishing.  Quit the part time job, that's a good one.  Started walking a little.  Spent a good amount of time with my kids, my parents, and my brother.

Not my worst year.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful that we're all still here, that despite some setbacks, my health isn't really that much worse, and I have a job, a home, and opportunities to better myself.

I'd just hoped to accomplish more.  Not only more this year, but more at this stage in my life.  I feel my age.  I feel my options shrinking.  When you're in your mid 30's you still have many options, you're still considered young.  But by 40, you start to get locked in and change is difficult.  I feel the walls closing in. A 5 year plan now has much more weight to it than previously.  It's kind of depressing.

So what will 2016 hold?  It could be a big year.  Daughter's high school graduation and first year of college - that's big!  Possibly moving, that's big.  As for me, my health, my status, who knows?

I know if I stay on this path I might not see the end of 2016.  My sleep apnea is so bad that I rarely get more than 2 hours sleep in a row.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I can't afford the damn machine to fix it.  (If you can't tell, that's a source of frustration for me).  I'm tired of this lifestyle.  I want, no I need, to be respected again, to not be looked at like an invalid, to not have friends and family tell me how terrible I look.  To now have my parents call me every day because they are worried about me.  They're the senior citizens, but you'd think I was older.  

If I sound a bit angry, well I am.  Angry at myself for another entire year wasted!  For being in this same miserable condition.  For not being able to put down the cookie, the chips, the french fries.  For not being able to make my self exercise more than about once a week.  For going to bed at 7pm and being awake at 2am, unable to sleep because I constantly wake up gasping for air.  For being in such bad shape that putting on socks is an exercise in pain management so I often just don't wear them.  For having to heave myself up out of a chair and dreading it because of how much it hurts.  For the fear that I'm going to fall because there's so much weight on my legs and my hip hurts from the pressure and I'm afraid it will just give out or that my knees will hyper extend under my weight and just break.

Yep, I'm angry.  I'm also afraid.  Afraid of being unable to take care of myself.  Afraid of being in a wheelchair.  Afraid of having to live with my parents because I'm not able to support myself.  Afraid of being a burden.  Afraid of living the rest of my life alone.  Really been feeling that one lately.  I signed up for an online dating website a long time ago and periodically out of morbid curiosity I check in.  It's so depressing to get a message from someone that seems great, but I can't respond because I know they won't be interested in me now.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

You'd think all this would be enough motivation to get up, get going, and fix myself.  Yet I fail again and again and again.  Life just keeps slipping by, day by day, and I just sit and watch on the sidelines.  I'm so tired.  I'm so frustrated.  I'm actually bored with my own excuses.  I'm a bad example for my kid, which my ex has started pointing out.  As if I need more guilt.  I know diet and exercise and things will get better.  Exercise seems like torture right now and I seem to live for my next meal, so diet is very hard.

Despite all this, I feel deep in my heart that someday I'll get there.  Someday I'll be with someone new, I'll run again, I'll play tennis, kayak, do all the things I love.  But I can't help but wonder how many folks die of a heart attack while thinking those thoughts...

It itches so you know it's healing . . .

Well, it's December 17th.  Christmas is just over a week away.  So far I've bought one present.  I put a wreath on the door and my son put up a small Christmas tree.  I think my "theme" this year is the Charlie Brown Christmas.  Money is tight, especially with leaving the part time job, so there isn't much room for extras, especially in terms of decor.  I've tried to boost my "Christmas Spirit" by inviting my kids to join me for activities, like going to see light displays, etc.  That's been a bust.  They've just reached the age where they're no longer interested and have their own ideas about what constitutes fun.  On the plus side, they're great kids and fully understand that I won't be buying tons of gifts this year.

I've been getting in more exercise lately.  My brother has had me meeting him and his family each Saturday, 3 in a row, to walk around the Flea Market.  It usually lasts about 2 hours or more and has been rough. It is accompanied by several days of sore back and legs, but I haven't given up and I think it's making a difference.

I continue to be grateful for days without kidney stone pain and for being able to walk at all.  I need to make this exercise thing happen more than once per week now.  Of course the schedule is a little crazy right now with Christmas next week and all, but I'll do what I can.

It's been a fun week with the office Christmas party and then the Star Wars premier.  Looking forward to finishing my shopping this coming weekend.

I've been feeling a little different lately.  I don't know if its the realization that my kids are starting to live their own lives and no longer rely on me for entertainment or company or camaraderie or whatever.  I've been feeling particularly lonely.  In a way I think this is a good thing and is a sign I'm really ready to move forward.  On the other side, I feel like I'm soooo far away from being in a position to start dating.  Maybe its an extra boost to keep me moving in the right direction, but for now I've been spending more time with friends and family to keep the feelings in check.

The more I think about it, the more I think it's like how an injury will itch.  I remember my Mom telling me that the itch means it's healing.  Maybe this loneliness is like that itch.  It's annoying and unpleasant, but is a sign of better things in the future, of emotional healing and therefore an increased desire to rejoin a society that I've hidden from for several years.  I'd like to think there is a positive meaning behind it, so I'm going to choose to stick with that theory.

Enjoying the moment . . .

So I'm still dealing with some of the "shrapnel" from my lithotripsy.  Woke up at 4 am the other morning in terrible pain, to the point of vomiting.  The pain lasted most of the day.  I went on to work because I had several things that had to be done, and frankly I can writhe in pain at the office as well as at home.  At least at the office I can struggle to focus on work and sort of block some of the pain out for a little while.  I called my urologist, twice, to no affect.  I'm not real happy with them right now.  See, I went Monday and was poked and prodded while they took x-rays and ultrasounds of my kidneys so I can go back on Friday and meet with the doc to review them and see what the status is since the lithotripsy.  So while I'm in agony, my thoughts are that they could review said records a day or so early and tell me what I'm facing.  Will this new stone pass?  Is it too big?  Will I have to have more surgery?  Twice I'm told the nurse will look at the x-rays and ultrasound and call me and I get no call.  Luckily toward the end of the workday the pain eases and just before I leave for home I go to the restroom and pass 3 small stones.  Talk about feeling relieved.  I went home and crashed. Took some meds and slept most of the night.

So I'm laying at home last night, having talked to several family members who've been sick with colds, etc.  Normal for this time of year I guess.  I take a deep breath and just enjoy for a moment the fact that I can breath normally.  I stretch out and enjoy that for the moment I'm not in any real pain.  I know that I rarely take a moment and just realize that I'm ok.  Take that moment a step farther and become thankful that I'm ok.  I don't think we are very mindful of ourselves and our situations until there is some issue, some problem, that asserts itself into our consciousness and demands our attention.  Having experienced pain so intense that I could barely function perhaps has caused a certain mindfulness for me.  I am aware of my condition and grateful for it.  I still have issues for sure, my weight, my hip, but for the moment I feel good and I thank God for that.

In other news I had a great Thanksgiving.  For the first time in many years I didn't work or have to prepare for a long workday on "Black Friday" and could just hang out with my family and enjoy the day.  I am certainly enjoying not working the part time job, although I haven't done any thing productive with my extra time yet.  I'm still concerned about my budget, but I'll get through.  

I'm still taking baby steps on the path of healing, but I'm feeling optimistic right now, and honestly, that in itself is an improvement for me.