A dreary recap . . .

So it's December 30.  The year is all but gone.  Another one.  Great time to reflect on the past and prepare for blah, blah, blah.  You know all the cliches, let's just get to it.

2015, what can I say about you?  Well, as usual for my 6 year streak, you sucked.

I'm about the same weight today that I was in January.  I spent 2 days in the hospital because of a kidney stone and a stupid mistake.  The kidney stone is mostly still there.  I'm still broke, my house is a wreck, and I'm still oh so very single.

There were a few high points as well.  Family vacation was great.  Got in some fishing.  Quit the part time job, that's a good one.  Started walking a little.  Spent a good amount of time with my kids, my parents, and my brother.

Not my worst year.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful that we're all still here, that despite some setbacks, my health isn't really that much worse, and I have a job, a home, and opportunities to better myself.

I'd just hoped to accomplish more.  Not only more this year, but more at this stage in my life.  I feel my age.  I feel my options shrinking.  When you're in your mid 30's you still have many options, you're still considered young.  But by 40, you start to get locked in and change is difficult.  I feel the walls closing in. A 5 year plan now has much more weight to it than previously.  It's kind of depressing.

So what will 2016 hold?  It could be a big year.  Daughter's high school graduation and first year of college - that's big!  Possibly moving, that's big.  As for me, my health, my status, who knows?

I know if I stay on this path I might not see the end of 2016.  My sleep apnea is so bad that I rarely get more than 2 hours sleep in a row.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I can't afford the damn machine to fix it.  (If you can't tell, that's a source of frustration for me).  I'm tired of this lifestyle.  I want, no I need, to be respected again, to not be looked at like an invalid, to not have friends and family tell me how terrible I look.  To now have my parents call me every day because they are worried about me.  They're the senior citizens, but you'd think I was older.  

If I sound a bit angry, well I am.  Angry at myself for another entire year wasted!  For being in this same miserable condition.  For not being able to put down the cookie, the chips, the french fries.  For not being able to make my self exercise more than about once a week.  For going to bed at 7pm and being awake at 2am, unable to sleep because I constantly wake up gasping for air.  For being in such bad shape that putting on socks is an exercise in pain management so I often just don't wear them.  For having to heave myself up out of a chair and dreading it because of how much it hurts.  For the fear that I'm going to fall because there's so much weight on my legs and my hip hurts from the pressure and I'm afraid it will just give out or that my knees will hyper extend under my weight and just break.

Yep, I'm angry.  I'm also afraid.  Afraid of being unable to take care of myself.  Afraid of being in a wheelchair.  Afraid of having to live with my parents because I'm not able to support myself.  Afraid of being a burden.  Afraid of living the rest of my life alone.  Really been feeling that one lately.  I signed up for an online dating website a long time ago and periodically out of morbid curiosity I check in.  It's so depressing to get a message from someone that seems great, but I can't respond because I know they won't be interested in me now.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

You'd think all this would be enough motivation to get up, get going, and fix myself.  Yet I fail again and again and again.  Life just keeps slipping by, day by day, and I just sit and watch on the sidelines.  I'm so tired.  I'm so frustrated.  I'm actually bored with my own excuses.  I'm a bad example for my kid, which my ex has started pointing out.  As if I need more guilt.  I know diet and exercise and things will get better.  Exercise seems like torture right now and I seem to live for my next meal, so diet is very hard.

Despite all this, I feel deep in my heart that someday I'll get there.  Someday I'll be with someone new, I'll run again, I'll play tennis, kayak, do all the things I love.  But I can't help but wonder how many folks die of a heart attack while thinking those thoughts...