Attitude

You know, I was a lucky child.  My parents are still together, living in the same house.  They were always there, always supportive. Still are. Maybe a little strict, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  I never had any major health issues as a child, no broken bones, no unusual disease; just the normal chicken pox, occasional cold, maybe a flu. My family was never the victim of any violent crime.  We never experienced any natural disasters.  We were lucky.  Don't get me wrong, we had our share of issues.  My Dad had back surgery, we were not wealthy at all, but we were rather lucky, looking back.  Maybe its due to my parents faith in God.  They go to Church every Sunday, they tithe, they watch religious shows.  I can't speak to one of them without some mention of Church or that they're praying for me or someone.  I wonder now if faith truly offers some level of protection from the darkness of this world.

I consider myself an unlucky person.  I have health issues, money issues, kid issues.  I had marriage issues, now I have no marriage.

Looking at this logically I realize that plenty of Christian people go through hard times and experience tragedy on a scale much greater than anything I've gone through.  Maybe there is an advantage to faith, however.  That advantage is in how you deal with adversity.  What face you show the world after going through a tragedy.  

I know I'm a cynic.  I know I'm a smartass.  I know I rant and rave over perceived slights or injustices to myself.  I'm a glass half empty person.  I expect the worst and point out loudly when I'm right.  I assume that others are as dark hearted as I feel and as a result find that I trust very few people anymore.  I don't like small talk and would rather sit quietly by myself in a waiting room than engage others.  I'm disappointed to have to share an elevator and listen to small talk.  I avoid eye contact to prevent others from engaging me in conversation.  I've become a loner.  I think this must be part of the multi step program to becoming a hermit, or the male equivalent of a crazy cat lady.

Why is this?  Was I always this way?  No, I wasn't.  I used to be a people person.  I enjoyed working with the public and meeting new people.  I couldn't have enough friends.  I truly liked helping others and got a sense of accomplishment from doing so.  I'd actually forgotten how that felt until thinking about it now. I remember being called the "nice" guy.  I won citizenship awards in grade school.  I won team player of the year award at a job once and employee of the year as well.  I was praised by supervisors and looked up to by co-workers.  I mock people like that now. My friends laugh at my smart comments and say that I'm mean.  I think my weight has a lot to do with this bad attitude.   I assume that everyone is making fun of my weight behind my back. I've actually overheard comments so I know that this is true to a certain extent.  I assume that people that are nice to me all want something.  Outside of my close friends, that is.  I still trust them, although I feel that the ring of close friends has shrunk over the last few years. 

I've been thinking a lot about this recently.  About how my own attitude is affecting my life.  How my perception of the world is coloring the truth and leading to unhappiness and depression.  How much of this is reality and how much is just in my head?

Health wise everything is cyclical.  My bad health leads to pain leads to no exercise.  Exercise, because of my bad health, leads to pain, leads to more bad health.  Is it the same with attitude?  Does my introverted, cynical attitude keep me from connecting with others, push me to see the worst in those around me and to suspect them of selfishness, which leads to fewer connections and to more loneliness, making me seem like the selfish, obnoxious one, which leads to others staying clear of me.

Makes sense.

I know this can be fixed.  I can be nicer, more outgoing. I can engage others.  The question is, do I want to?  I feel like I should.  I feel like it's the right thing to do.  I feel like happiness lies in that direction.  I believe that Christianity calls us to be examples to others, and I'm currently a terrible example.  But do I want to fix it?  I'm not sure right now.  Part of me does.  Part of me is still angry, distrustful, and wants to remain safely distant.  Safely distant.  That phrase is part of the issue.  I'm not sure distancing myself from life is safe.  It seems to lead down a dark path.  Maybe this realization is part of the healing process.  Maybe the spark of desire to come out of my emotional "cave" and set aside my judgmental tendencies in favor of companionship, of kindness, of faith, and maybe love, is a step forward, a step that it's time for me to take.