Painted into a corner . . .

Over the last few years my lifestyle has become more and more sedentary.  Well, actually, I guess about the last 2 years in particular it's gotten to be completely sedentary.

I went from really active - running, weight lifting, tennis, paintball, martial arts, to nothing.

Over the years I've made several half hearted attempts to start moving again, each time with pretty much the same result - some type of injury.  My back has been especially guilty of this, but not exclusively.  I've had hip and knee and foot problems as well.  In the end it doesn't matter because the result was the same, I gave up and went back to sitting and laying 24 hours a day.

So you see, I felt as though I'd painted my self into a corner.  I can't exercise because it hurts too much due to my weight.  I can't lose weight because I can't exercise.  It is a very frustrating and deflating situation.

I know that there are other options out there. The one that probably makes the most sense up front is to modify my diet and lost some weight that way.  And to a degree I've done that.  I've been eating out much less than previously, I've altered what I eat to include more health conscious items, and I've almost cut out soda.  It's just not enough.  The key to getting fit is a combination of exercise and healthy eating, and I believe that exercise carries the lion's share of the equation.

There are other exercise options, I know.  Swimming for one.  I thought this would be a great option for me. I love to swim.  I may be part fish, I can and have spent entire days in the water.  I have a YMCA membership and could swim there.  The problem is that I cannot bring myself to get into that pool with all those fitness fanatics that are swimming like Olympians.  I can't make myself take my shirt off.  Call it ego, call it fear, call it growing up as the chubby kid and hearing all the jokes.  Doesn't matter, I ain't doing it.

Walking is probably my best option.  I've been told to just suck it up and fight through the pain for a few days and it'll get better and easier.  On the few times I started I ended up with calf cramps, back spasms, and hip pain before reaching the end of the street, which is less that a quarter mile away.  It's easy to give up after that, and as we've discovered, I tend to do what's easy.

Actually there is something a little deeper than just doing what's easy.  I have this fear that I absolutely won't be able to do it.  Fear that rather than get easier and less painful, it will go the other way and I'll end up with a serious injury and more medical bills, which I cannot afford.  Fear that I really cannot physically get better and that the way I feel right now is the best it's ever going to be for me again.  This thought has been on my mind for a long time and makes it hard to seriously try and "fight through the pain".  I'm afraid of what's on the other side.

A few weeks ago something changed and I had a glimpse of hope.

For the first time in many years I took a week long vacation.  This kids and I joined my parents and my brother's family for a week at the beach.  I love the ocean and couldn't wait.  We made plans for a day of deep sea fishing, among other activities.  Now of course part of me was nervous that I wouldn't be able to keep up with my family on this trip, especially the deep sea fishing which can be rough on a fit person. Never the less I took plenty of acetaminophen and ibuprofen and packed up and away we went.

The first day involved more walking than I'd done in a year. We walked on the pier, we walked on the beach, we swam, we walked around a shopping center.  I popped pain meds like candy and sat down every chance I got.  By the end of the evening I was miserable.  That night I couldn't sleep.  My legs kept cramping, my back hurt, and I couldn't get comfortable.  I've also had trouble with sleep apnea, waking up repeatedly in the night gasping for air.  It hadn't bothered me in a while, but chose this night to come back with a vengeance.  It seems like every time I drifted to sleep, I'd wake right back up, unable to draw breath fast enough.  All in all a miserable night.  Suddenly my much anticipated vacation of fun, relaxation and family bonding was looking more like torture and humiliation.

I got up way early the next morning and sat on the porch of our vacation rental by myself.  Everyone else was still asleep.  I watched all the tropical birds fly back and forth and the fish jump in the tidal pool.  I thought about the previous day and night and how I was going to end up being a burden to my family and an embarrassment to my kids if I couldn't go anywhere or do anything during our vacation.  Not that they'd say a word, or complain at all, but still - I didn't want to hold them back.  I made a promise to myself to grit my teeth and keep moving, to actually fight through the pain for once.

That day we played at the ocean, which included a 2 block walk to the ocean carrying chairs and bags and other accouterments for a day at the beach, followed by several hours of swimming.  The swimming I could handle, it actually seems to help my back and keeps the weight off my legs.  But first I had to dredge up the courage to take off my shirt and get in the water.  I looked around at the crowded beach, then at my kids waiting for me with boogey boards in hand.  I realized that not only was everyone out there NOT a swimsuit model, but there were all shapes and sizes of folks strolling around wearing very little. I thought to myself, hey, I don't know any of these people and will likely never see any of them again.  I stripped off my shirt and marched into the ocean with my head held high and without looking back.  A few hours later we trundled back up the beach, just ahead of a thunder storm, and made the walk back to the house.  I was in serious pain, but kept putting one foot in front of the other.  After a shower I collapsed on the bed and almost immediately fell asleep to the sounds of thunder and rain.

I woke up refreshed and feeling . . . good.  I was a little sore, but in a good way.  The way you feel after a good workout.  I hadn't felt like this in a long time.  I stood up and expected my back to lock up.  It didn't.  In fact it was feeling ok.  Relief washed over me like the waves had a few hours before and I was back to being excited about this trip.

Over the course of the week I got more exercise, without a doubt, than I'd had in the last 2 years combined!  I still sat down occasionally to rest my back, but a couple of minutes and I was good to go again.  We walked, and walked and walked.  I survived the deep sea fishing trip and had a blast!  By the end of the week my back was giving me very little trouble at all, and aside from a little pain in my hip, I was feeling great!

The best part was realizing that I could do it.  That I could get through the pain of getting all these poorly used muscles back up and moving.  I could do more than I thought I could and the pain lessened, instead of getting worse.  I came back from vacation resolved to continue moving and not to lose the gains I'd made.

It's only been a few weeks since the beach and while I still haven't managed to start a real exercise regimen, I have become more active.  I strive to do some walking every day, even if its just around the grocery store, down the street, something.  My back has continued to feel better, but my hip flares up.  I can deal with that for now.  I'm just glad to see that I might have a small path still open and that I haven't painted myself as completely into the corner as I'd thought.